It was late in the Texas summer, hot as the day is long, and I had just moved. Again. After not matching to a dietetic internship, I decided to pursue my master’s in nutrition. I was accepted to Texas Woman’s University, so I packed up my life, and moved to Denton, Texas.

It did not take long for the loneliness to set in. I was in a new state, I needed to make new friends, and I had just started at a new school. I was spending more time on the internets watching videos and scrolling through Tumblr.

Now, I’ve been a vegetarian for most of my life. I had never really considered going vegan, because I was content with my dietary choices. Naturally, as my anxiety increased and the loneliness became more real, I used the coping skill I knew best. Food. I had seen all these girls on instagram and youtube, talking about the freedom they felt in their vegan diet. To eat all this food, and still remain in a thin body. So many talked about their skin clearing up, and how they generally felt better overall. Some had even claimed it helped them get over their eating disorder (the jury is still out on that one.)

The Descent

So I said, “why not?” After I returned from my friend’s wedding in Arkansas, I took the leap. I went out and bought vegan alternatives of my favorite things and began living my life as a vegan.

This quickly became more restrictive and rigid as I continued reading and watching videos. I stumbled on a resource claiming that foods should be eaten in a certain order to prevent bloating (not really that true) I began avoiding foods I had previously loved, because veganism said they were bad for my health.

Rock Bottom

I was quickly spiraling into “one of those vegans”. You know the ones. I was putting myself in a corner using food rules and beliefs that weren’t serving me. I wasn’t happy like those girls on the internet. They didn’t warn me about the changes that would happen to my gut. They didn’t tell me that I would feel left out and high maintenance when I was with friends and family. They didn’t give me the whole picture.

I snapped out of it, and began consuming a more balanced vegan diet. One that lets me eat what I want, including brownies made with oil and without beans. Honestly, why are we putting beans in brownies? Do we really need to get fiber in that way?

I’m not sharing this to shame anyone for their eating preferences. I still think ethical veganism is acceptable. It is all about the intention. Is my intention for abiding by a set of rigid rules based in my ethics, or in my resolve to obtain or remain in a thin (socially acceptable) body? If my body size did not change would I still follow this lifestyle?

The Sweet Spot

I can say now after 3 years of following a plant-based diet, I am no longer concerned about the size or shape of my body. I treat my body with respect. I honor my hunger and fullness cues. I honor my cravings. I move my body joyfully, and give it the rest it needs.

The food I consume does not make me morally or ethically better than anyone. It simply tells of my privilege and access. So I encourage you to take inventory of why you’re eating what you eat. Are there promised benefits you’re waiting to see? Do you believe it makes you a better person? Is it because someone on the internet said so?

Today is the best day to change your life!