Talking about struggles in your life is hard. Talking about things that make you feel unworthy or unlovable feels next to impossible. Talking about your eating disorder is hard, and possible.
No matter where you are in your journey, sharing your eating disorder history can be difficult. It’s unclear how much explaining you’ll need to do. What the frame of reference is for the other person. If the other person understands how mental illness works (for some people it is truly beyond them that someone’s brain ? can do something other than the factory settings).
I want to share what to do in both cases: someone who does understand mental illness and someone who does not. That distinction greatly impacts the way that I express what has happened and what I need.
Some who does not.
Because this person is not yet capable of understanding what happens in my brain, I explain it like I would to a youth.
I have a hard time making decisions about food. I’m working with a professional (or a team of professionals) to help me feel safe to make food choices. I need _______ from you to help me feel safe and support my decision making.
Someone who understands.
I am struggling with ___ (insert eating disorder). For me this shows up as difficulty with ____ (what you feel comfortable and necessary to share). I would like your support in _____ area as I continue to recover.
What’s the Difference?
The easiest way for me to tell which camp someone will land is the way that they react to other people. Do they joke about mental illness. Do they suggest the same, tired “quick fixes” that don’t actually help anything. If they have a hard time understanding that someone can be truly and deeply depressed and have everything they need or want, then it’s likely that they won’t be capable of expressing the empathy or compassion you need. Please know that this is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of them. Someone’s inability to express empathy for another human IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
For the dear people in our lives, who do have the empathy trait, it’s okay if they don’t understand at first. Eating disorders are complex and present so differently within a given diagnosis. If you’ve never struggled with your relationship with food it can be hard to imagine what it’s like to feel so miserable about the thing that gives you life and provides pleasure and community.
In either direction, you’re expressing your needs. You are also creating a boundary that says this area is sensitive for me, so please be gentle.
Practice, practice, practice.
I’ve found that it’s easier to share online (into the sea of internet strangers) before talking to people who I do life with. Because they’re at a restaurant with me as I’m spiraling in my head. They’re seeing me year in and year out as I progress further into recovery or relapse. Talking to people who can actually hold me accountable is scary and liberating. Having someone who understands the boundary and checks in safely is invaluable. Having someone who may not understand from lived experience, but supports you and listens when you’re struggling is invaluable.
No matter who you’re telling it is important. Each time you share, you’re pulling that shame into the light. You’re taking back your power and your life from the eating disorder.
Then what??
You’ve expressed your needs and shared what you’re comfortable with. If the person on the other side is not receptive that is not a reflection of you. Their inability to respect your boundaries speaks directly to their character, not yours. My hope is that they respond in a way that helps you feel safe and heard. If that is not the case, I am truly sorry and I’m holding space for you to find the support you need to stay in full recovery.
From here you guide what you continue to share and how you want to supported. You can ask for accountability from that person, or not. That’s your choice.
Loved Ones and Supports
If you’re reading this because someone you care about has told you they have/are recovered from an eating disorder, please be gentle. It’s difficult to share that the most human experience of eating is difficult for so many reasons. It’s difficult to explain that when it’s all boiled down, it’s not about the food. Food is the metaphor. It’s a metaphor for pain, confusion, and control.